Week 5 — 11 Oct 2004

From: Jeff
To: mnf@fat.doobie.com
Subject: It's Monday...

...and Miami is now the only 0-5 team (though Buffalo is closing in at 0-4). San Francisco, St. Louis, and Minnesota all won during overtime, Atlanta got spanked by Detroit, the Patriots set a record that's usually reserved for teams with stronger rosters, and the Redskins continue to stink up the greater DC area... even losing an interception to Deion.

Miami had not one, but two opportunities to end up in the "great moments in betting history" file, when during the 4th quarter, down 24-10 in a game with a 12 point spread and a 34 point o/u, they got within 10 yards of the end zone... and then missed, while going for the touchdown on 4th down. Twice.

Now, I know that the coach is trying to WIN the game, and only a touchdown would help at that point... but a measley 10 yard field goal would've both beat the spread, and put the points squarely into the over category, and earned them a better send-up right here in your monday inbox.

The teams to beat in the NFL seem to be the Patriots (4-0), Jets(4-0), Eagles (4-1) and Steelers (4-1), with the Colts (4-1), Broncos (4-1), Giants (4-1) and Falcons (4-1) not far behind (though nobody in this second group of teams has a deep enough bench to stay on top through the season). Besides, Peyton Manning's a douchebag with a face reminiscent of a quarterhorse; The police are bound to catch up with the Giants' offensive line eventually, and Michael Vick can't stay healthy all year and doesn't really have anyone to throw to. I don't know what Denver will do to shoot themselves, but they always seem to figure out a way.

Seattle's got everyone suprised at 4-1. Two more wins, and they'll definitely make the "team to beat" cut. Next week, they're playing the Patriots, in Foxboro, in what will probably be the most hyped game of the week (and that the Seahawks will win 31-27). The NFC West, home of the Cardinals and 49ers, is setting up to be a weak division this season, so unless somehow St. Louis stops sucking, the Seahawks are virtually guaranteed a playoff berth this year.

But enough about the good teams. Let's talk about tonight's game.

The Game: Tonight the 1-3 Tenessee Titans travel to Green Bay to take on the 1-3 Packers on the natural grass of Lambeau Field. Built in 1957, Lambeau is one of the oldest NFL stadiums that's still in use, and unlike all the other greedy bastards out there, the Packers aren't threatening to leave if the city doesn't build them a new field. The weather will be hovering in the 40s... balmy by Wisconsin standards. Expect to see hairy drunken men with painted chests behind the end zone... without steam coming out of their ass-cracks.

Neither team wants to go to 1-4. Everyone expects it from Tennessee. Green Bay seems to play better when the whole country is watching, especially at home, which I'm convinced is why America still thinks that the Packers are a decent team. The MNF commentators have always been sycophantic towards Brett Favre... but the truth is that the Titans have a much stronger offense that isn't burdened by an over-the-hill quarterback who needed to take his reserved seat in the coaching booth about 3 seasons ago.

Despite the records, defenses, obligatory condom jokes[1] and all the IV Geritol and Cortizone on the sidelines, it's likely to be a good matchup. And everyone will be expected to drink, every time Favre's dad is mentioned.

The Line: (The smart money lost last week, because KC actually showed up to play. It's now 1-2)

Green Bay is favored by three. The over/under is 44.5.

The smart money is on Green Bay and the over. Home field advantage is just too strong on Monday with the Packers playing an AFC team that doesn't often play at Lambeau. If the spread were 5 or 6, or this were a 10:00am Sunday game, it'd be a different story. And both of the defenses suck (particularly against the run). 45 points should get scored before the end of the third quarter.

The other Line: Getting out of work early can be accomplished with two words said to your boss: "Packers Game". I've never understood why this works so well outside of the midwest, but the reports say that it does.

The bar: We've had a request to make tonight's bar more subway accessible. This seems a little odd, considering that we always try to be within 2 blocks of a train and/or Market Street bus line.

But proximity is relative, and while everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time, 6:00PM on Monday seems to be a difficult hour to find extra time. So tonight, you'll be able to feel the rumble of the N through the seat of your barstool, as it blocks Irving Street traffic while making a left turn against the light. Meanwhile, you'll be in a bar with a name that seems far too cheeky for San Francisco. Perhaps the owners were imported from a state with blue laws.

The Mucky Duck 1315 9th Avenue (between Irving and Judah, closer to Irving) Pissing distance from the N Judah and the 44 O'Shaughnessy. 2 blocks from the 71 Haight-Noriega.

Kickoff is at 6:00.

See you there?

P.S. The deadline to register to vote in California (and many other states) is this week. If for some reason, you (or anyone you know) doesn't plan on taking part in this election, please help them see the error in their ways.

[1] You know, "Remember the Titans". See also... Amazon Women on the Moon.

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